Confessions of a Nobody – Reminder for the self

It was my birthday recently. I just turned 25. It was hard passing another birthday, at least for me. Getting older is inevitable, but not something I look forward to.

I forget sometimes the things I’ve done in my life. Every year passes by and I worry about what I will be doing. I can’t appreciate what I’ve already done. And the more I worry about it, the more that worry consumes me. I get worse and worse these days, I have no energy to do anything. I don’t want to do anything. I worry about dumb things, like why people don’t like me. Why I can’t set my mind to things I want to accomplish. I feel trapped, stuck with the person that I am. Someone I mainly hate and rarely like. Nonetheless, a person I know isn’t all that bad. Life gets hard sometimes: you forget about the good things because you worry so much about other things. You  meet people who seem so much happier than you. And you think to yourself “why am I not that happy? I work so hard to be beautiful, on the inside and out. So why doesn’t anyone like me? Why don’t people want to be my friend?” Why am I always stuck in this same place?”

I’m sad because people don’t like me and I can’t accept the decisions I’ve made in my life. I have many regrets. I try so hard to make others happy, to befriend people. But nobody wants me. All I can do now is remind myself of my accomplishments. Remind myself that although no one is recognizing me, that doesn’t mean I haven’t worked hard to be where I am today. When you’re alone, it’s hard to see that for yourself. So, I will share what I am proud of so that I never forget.

– I went to university and completed my degree in Commerce, specialization in International Business. I studied hard to graduate, to make myself and my parents proud.
– I got kicked out of my program for low grades. I worked hard to bring them up, and I did. I got accepted to study abroad in Seoul, a place I always wanted to visit. I was so happy when I got accepted, I couldn’t believe it.
– I studied abroad in Korea for 4 months. I took business courses; I aced all of them. I had the best paper of the semester of the entire class for Strategic Management. I was so good in Business Negotiations I surprised myself. And I did very well in Korean level I.
– I loved Korea so much that I decided to stay an extra four months. I taught English to a group of individuals my age plus one older man.
– My students weren’t happy with my teaching at first, they said I wasn’t professional enough. I worked hard every night by making them tests I wrote by hand late into the night. Near the end, they were so impressed; they said I was so professional and were happy with me. In the course of four weeks I changed my students thought about me from negative to positive. One girl in the group, Eun Jeong, hardly ever spoke in the class. By the end of my class, she spoke so often everyone was impressed. They were happy to have me as their teacher.
– I was unemployed for a while after I returned from Korea. I had lost my job where I because of my exchange abroad. It was depressing being home everyday; I was scared I would never find work. I accepted a shitty job through an agency, working with people I despised for minimum wage. I endured it for 6 months until I finally quit on the spot. Thanks to a post I made on online government website before the end of my shitty contract, I was contacted and offered permanent work. I now have a permanent job making decent money.
– I wasn’t happy with my body. So I took kickboxing to improve myself. My good friend Morganne always told me to join the kickboxing school she attends, but only recently did I finally do it. I am happy with the results and look forward to getting better.
– I was so shy to speak out in front of others. So I forced myself to take improv classes last year. They were the funnest classes I’ve ever taken. I decided then to take acting classes because I love to act even though I am not the best at it. To play someone else is a fun thing. I now take them regularly and I love it. Hopefully it will lead me to better things.
– I just came back from a three week trip to Japan. I can’t believe I was there, it was such an amazing experience. And to believe I did everything that I did while I was there, the travelling and meeting people; being in a country completely different than your own where no one speaks English, all of it was surreal.

Yes, I have accomplished a lot in my life. And I should look forward to seeing what else I can do.

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